Friday, 17 January 2014
This was posted on Word Porn a while ago...yes WORD PORN...lol. I read it a dozen times and thought...YA "Sophrosyne"...That's what I'm after :)
I've been spending a TON...and I mean a TON of time thinking...Reflecting...Analyzing, and trying to understand what I'm all about....what and who am I?!?. I'll be 37 tomorrow...and sometimes I feel as lost as I did when I was 18.
This journey of weight loss and life change has truly been that for me...a total life and self change. It's been a road full of ups and downs, confusion, desperation, learning, hurting, failing, celebrations and growing. I think...I may have some things figured out....I think my journey has finally ended so to speak.
I've been thinking a ton about why I started,...I started to feel better about myself...to be healthy and to be happy. When I think about those reasons and then think about how I currently feel, I wasn't feeling any of those things.
I wasn't feeling better about myself...I was always trying to BE better. Don't get me wrong, there is NOTHING wrong with wanting to be better, do better....I am still and always will try to be better at everything I do. But self improvement can be a fine line...a fine line between self improvement and self destruction. I've come to realize that I was in this cycle of self hating.....I stopped enjoying training and started to think of it as ...I have to impress someone, the masses, I have to get that perfect physique...I have to be better, be more tight with my diet, I have to lift more... I have to fit in.
I've realized more and more lately what I have accomplished...and wonder why I wanted so much more!? I've lost almost 100lbs...it's been off for almost 5 years...I am awesome at maintaining my weight loss... I'm strong for ME, I've got this macro "diet" understood and mastered ...My measurements are 36/26/35...WHAT THE HELL am I trying to achieve?!?...Why can't I just be happy?!?
After my contest with Popeye's I was constantly and almost instantly asked...So what's your next goal?!?. I wanted to punch people in the face for asking me that....I felt like, are you kidding me?...I just busted my ass for 12 weeks and I need to do more?...AGAIN, I need to do MORE?!?
I achieved what I felt was an awesome physique for that contest...not winning...not placing, really made me see that chasing that dream of someone else Ideals is futile...and for me... was totally self destructive. I realized after that contest that I just needed to train for me...and I remembered why I loved it. I love it because I like feeling strong, I like it because it's for ME...I like it because it makes me healthy....and it makes me happy!! :) I Don't have the perfect physique, I may not be strong in everyone eyes, but I try hard...and I've done and given my life change my everything. For the first time in a really long time... I'm happy with how I look...with how I'm training and how I'm eating.
I'm really enjoying LEARNING about training these day's. I'm super lucky to get to train where I do and around the people I train with. I find myself really interested in learning more about training and I'm excited to start training people soon myself. I'm almost done my ISSA training program. I am excited and in the right state of mind to help others enjoy training...to enjoy feeling strong and healthy....I'm pumped about my new career as a trainer and a supporter.
I'm really lucky to have snagged a job at The Bent Elbow...I think this job came along at just the right time for me. I have met the MOST amazing welcoming people. I love who I work with and who I work for. They embrace my lifestyle but they have also reminded me what FUN is...yes what FUN is. I'm a fun person...I enjoy a good laugh, I like being silly!!!. I feel I had lost that in all my constant never ending focus on fitness and diet. Harold and Lisa from the Elbow have reminded me that you need to live a little...you can to have a few beers...eat a few fries...and enjoy a GREAT ab work out from LAUGHING!!!....I'm blessed to have these people in my life...they came at just the right time. :)
So it all comes back to the above word..."Sophrosyne". I have decided to enjoy all things in moderation with self control...I am self aware and I feel I have a much more healthy state of mind.
I will continue to train and eat healthy....but what I am changing is how I think and feel about training and diet. I will train because I love it, I love seeing my lifts improve and my physique change...I will celebrate training mile stones that are important to ME. I will eat well because I like to...and I will enjoy some treats because I can... I want to...and that is living a normal, well balanced life.
I've decided close the book of "the journey" and enjoy the destination. I'm excited to see what happens next...I'm starting a new book. :)
I hope this blog helped someone...I feel better getting all that out...so Thank you :)
Off to Train...it's Leg Day Baby ;)